Crossroads

I speak to my average audience of 2.7 readers...

By the way, I looked back over a few posts, and I realize I'm constantly adjusting that decimal slightly. I don't know why, I'm not doing any complicated statistical analysis. I'd rather that figure at least break double digits, or heaven forbid, my age. Right now, it resembles the pH of Juicy Juice. But now, it's "serious time"...

I need your prayers.

I've come to a crossroads, where I realized yesterday that I am quickly coming to the end of a present road I am on. I've known for a while that I can't go much higher on the current ladder and maintain my sanity. I need to interact with the people I serve, not meet about said people.

While that may sound sarcastic... yeah, it's layered with sarcasm, I admit... it's true of me. I'm wired to interact individually and directly with people. I must find a calling that doesn't remove me from the people I serve, but deepens my interaction with them, and increases my proficiency at serving and helping them. That, most likely, involves returning to school and furthering my education.

I have so much to think and pray about, and to discern, and to commit to. Whether it take twelve months or four months, I have to ready myself to say goodbye to my current projects. It will be excruciatingly difficult because of how much I love the people I see. This project started in the doldrums, and now it shatters every conception of what a program of its kind can achieve. Although it is still small in numbers of people, it is huge in lives, and I've realized that I live to accomplish exactly that.

Who knows? I may operate a huge corporation, pastor a huge church, write a huge book... or a really huge blog. But this type of size won't mean a thing. Whatever I do, it must make an impact in real, practical, deep, systematic, and profound ways within the lives of real and struggling people.

So I have to find a route that leads me onto that journey. There are a few too many routes for my comfort at this point, and none of the local options are lining up nicely in my earthly mind.

It's weird, in a way. I've watched three or four individuals recently move on and go to some kind of graduate school. For the past seven years, I haven't cared because it wasn't my time, but for the past month, I've been kind of jealous that they made a stinkin' decision. Four days ago, I went to Dominick's to buy a spiral notebook for something at work, and I couldn't believe the feelings that a little, college-ruled notebook could elicit.

I was so burned out academically after my undergrad work. I just wanted to hit the real world, make some money, and live comfortably. I did over seven years. I always said the same thing: "I'll think about grad school when the killer instinct to be in the classroom returns."

Well, it's returned. And it scares the bejeebies out of me, because during college, I transitioned from an concrete, memory-based test-taker to an abstract, free-thinking, creative writer. I hate taking tests now, and I'd so much rather write papers. I used to think scientifically, now I'm more metaphysical, analytical, abstract, creative, and spiritual. It's interesting how the few strengths I had before Jesus showed up in my life aren't so strong anymore (they actually weren't that strong my senior year, either), and these other skills came around without ever seeking them. Now I have to cultivate them and channel them into something.

The thought of going back into debt bothers me. The thought of giving up a comfortable paycheck, place to live, and being able to buy whatever I wanted whenever, for about 2 years, stinks. I need purpose to drive me... once I get rolling toward a particular end, I'm like El Nino on steroids. But I've got to get rolling in a particular direction.

Thus, I need your prayers. I have the very scary feeling that I am called to full-time ministry, which I'll never feel like I'm cut out for. Apparently, everyone else, including people who don't follow Jesus as I do, think I am. So I'm looking mostly at seminaries and Christian grad schools, mostly in the Chicago area, but I'm closing no doors just yet. Boy, if someone had suggested all of this to me ten years ago...

Six months ago, I entered a spiritual season, basically, of restoration. I have been pretty wide open on this blog about it. I continue to struggle with some of the deepest, most enduring battles, but I think I'm close to victory. I have shed so many tears, I had no idea my soul got so deep. I had no idea there were personal demons to slay so far down there. And, as I near victory, I never would have guessed that, along the way, a call like this would emerge from my soul searching.

Pray that the Lord would illuminate a pathway for me. I only want to stay in step with God's Spirit, but sometimes I'm pretty thickheaded and I need tangible footsteps in the dirt to follow. Pray that the fears of all those temporary circumstances would dissipate. Pray that my insecurities and weaknesses would not hinder me, but motivate me to see God's power work in my life. Pray that I would be emboldened to take the biggest personal risk of my lifetime. And most of all, pray that I would be remain humble and submitted to the will of God. Pray for me, you'll have my gratitude for life.