Happy CB Day!

The day after Christmas is always an interesting observation for me. I affectionately refer to it as "Crap Back Day". It's a busy day at the stores because everyone who was given an unwanted or bad gift gets to cash in with Christmas' most twisted form of currency: the receipt. Crap goes back in favor of the present that will stand no better chance at enlightening the gift receiver of the true meaning of Christmas.


On Crap Back Day, Black Friday experiences a departmental butterfly effect. Nowadays, if you return a gift, you'll be able to exchange it for something similar or get a gift card for that store. Stores can at least keep the money in-house. So hundreds upon hundreds of road-weary consumers will be attacking a pre-selected department store for a low-budget spending spree.


This year, I won't be exchanging anything I got, because I asked for very few things. I did, however, need some rather expensive stuff, so any dollars allocated to me got poured into very few precious gifts. I don't think I'll return the Chicago Cubs 2010 calendar, though. The publishing company had the foresight to not include Milton Bradley as one of the monthly players featured.


On Black Friday and on Christmas Eve, we ought to salute every cashier in overcommercialized America. Today, we salute another forgotten cog, a tireless working ant in the ant colony of the American economy... let's see if I can dramatize this into a "We Salute You..."-style beer commerical tribute.


Real men (and women) of genius...


Today, we salute you, Wal-Mart customer service desk representative. You have worked your way up the ranks from shopping cart pusher to overnight stocker to cashier... and now you stand... behind the customer service desk.

Guy in high-pitched voice sings: (How may I help you?)

You sit upon your throne patrolling the storeroom floor for price discrepancies, chargebacks, and jammed cash registers.

(Open the @#$%*! drawer!!)

You normally have nothing to do but to wait... but on Crap Back Day... you have a line of people in front of you from your desk all the way to Montgomery Ward's... and Montgomery Wards went out of business years ago. You secretly long for the days of pushing shopping carts.

(I miss the snow!!)

So crack open a nice cold Miller Lite, you regal eagle of retail.

(Mr. Wal-Mart customer service desk representative!)